BS Job Interviews: Gornog the Destroyer 02/14/2005: BleepSmazz presents to you the transcript of a phone interview with a potential new article writer for the 'Smazz. Come on in and let us know what you think of Gornog the Destroyer. Comments (3)
Joel's Massive Car Report 02/02/2005: The lowdown on the greatest show in automotive history. Joel uses all of the car knowledge he gained by watching "Pimp My Ride" and put it to good use - by dissecting the supercars of the future, today! Comments (5)
I entered my apartment building today after a hard day's work down at the cracker factory (I wish!) and came across a small indian family leaving at the same time. This is nothing strange, my apartment building is pretty much swarming with people of Indian descent. The hallways have a faint lingering smell of curry that never quite seems to fade, as if the smell has been baked into the very foundations of the building itself. But the strange thing about passing people, INDIAN people, in the hallways is that they seem to be, well, scared of me. And I can't quite figure out why.
They spotted me coming today in a tight area of the stairwell that required one of us to step aside. I wouldn't have minded, really, but things happened way too fast. The dad caught sight of me and spun around with startling speed, bending down to snatch up a child walking a few steps behind him. The mom, at the same time, flattened herself against the wall and fixed me with a look like I was a lion that escaped from the zoo.
"Don't...move...a muscle. It can't see us if we don't move." The dad whispered, hugging his child tightly against his chest and never taking his eyes off me. A tear trickled down his wife's face.
Awkwardly I walked passed them, glancing up at them and trying to look friendly. Judging by the increased intensity of the mother's agonized wailing I dont think it worked very well.
I wish I had had this power back in my college days, when I'd walk into the school computer lab and couldn't find a seat because of all the indian grad students. Had I been able to strike such mortal terror into their hearts then I suspect I would've been able to get a seat without much hassle at all. Comments (1761)
But there are a few things, at least, that are simple. For instance, barring an impromptu visit to the Fudge Factory, there's really not very many things a smeared brown substance on the bottom of your left shoe could be. Comments (1859)
Does anybody else make pirate noises while they drive? Liking yelling "YARRRR!!" several times if you get cut off? You don't? Really? Hmm. You're weird. Comments (587)
LOGO MADNESS. Posted on 04/30/2005 by Long Lost Wasko
DO YOU WANT TO BE FAMOUS???
Well, (irr)regardless, I have a mission for you. ALL of you. But first, a bit of a backstory:
As all of us who have seen the footage on my personal video camera know, my dad is in a band. Well, was in it. But he is again. You see...
Alright, it's apparent I have forgotten how to write. The thing is my dad's new band, TWO'S YOUR DADDY needs a logo. A big snazzy logo. It should capture all the wit and "goshdarnit why didn't I think of that"-ness of the name itself, and perhaps have a crudely drawn animated character. Spelling? Use "Two", or the number "2", or some combination. Want to ghetto-ize the spelling (whoz yo daddy?), then go nuts. Just make it awesome.
This is a contest open to everyone that has photoshop and reads this site. I can't wait to see the two entires. Have fun! Comments (1394)
So I was thinking the other night while I was shopping for mundane food items in a mundane food repository that money could be a lot more exciting. Sure, you can use money to own exciting things or make exciting things happen, but money itself is pretty un-exciting. I think part of the problem is the name. Money. What a stupid name. If someone introduced themself to me as "Money", I'd want to punch them in the face.
I think there'd be a lot more excitement over money if they renamed it Action Points, and increased all the amounts by about a thousand. So, one dollar becomes 1000 action points! Holy shit! 1000! That's a lot! Then you could be like, "My new car costs 23,000,000 action points! This hoagie is 3,000 aciton points! It'll cost me 2,453 action points to pass through this tollbooth!" See, it even makes passing through a tollbooth exciting!
In addition, action points should be awarded for performing outrageous and possibly extreme stunts in public areas. This gives talentless slackers a way to earn action points (and possibliy kill themselves!) without the hassle of a 9-to-5 job...which, of course, also pay in action points. The action point system is all about options. The number of ways to earn action points are limited only by your imagination! You can make an action-packed living any way you choose.
But, just for fun, check out this review from the Christian Analysis of American Culture. Actually, screw the review, just read the summary of sins down the right hand side. Here's a little excerpt:
child abduction by a pedophile
fist fighting
assault with metal pipe
gunfire cutting off forearm and to the male privates
scene of multiple gunfire injuries, graphic
scene of multiple gunfire killings, graphic
threat to kill, repeatedly
action violence, repeatedly
planning murder, repeatedly
assault on police, multiple, graphic
assault to eyes
pistol whipping, repeatedly, graphic
gunfire to privates
dragging man by car with face against the pavement
attempted murder by car, numerous times with sight of victim being thrown and bouncing each time
attempted gunfire murder, repeatedly
surviving impossible gunfire injuries that would result in death, repeatedly
So there's people on the roof of this office building I work in, and whatever it is they are doing up there is creating a lot of FUMES. Every time I take a breath I get a little more dizzy. Makes it a real pleasure to work. Deep breath!....ah that's the stuff. Comments (903)
The only day of the year when it's allowed, nay encouraged, that you tell as many blatant, bold-faced lies as possible. Trust nothing to you see or hear today. Nothing.
I have so much to learn about driving a rear-wheel drive car in the snow.
Quote:
"In an understeer skid (when your car refuses to turn and is sliding), once again it's important not to react instinctively by over-correcting the steering wheel, by braking or by doing both simultaneously. "
Ooh, ooh, I did both simultaneously! Do I win a prize?
YES, You've won a fresh battle scar from a low speed collision with a fire hydrant!
I'll just paste the rest of the quote here, because it might help prevent future low speed car-to-fire-hydrant-collisions for other people:
"Understeering is usually caused by entering a corner too quickly and then turning. To turn the vehicle effectively, your wheels need grip. If you react to an understeer skid by turning more, you're only asking for more grip, which is unavailable. The same is true if you brake. Instead, Pearl advises, in an understeer skid, carefully adjust your steering wheel until you regain some grip at the front wheels. Once grip is restored, gently and precisely add steering."
The insurance company was right to raise my rates for this new car. Comments (535)
