WITHOUT FURTHER ADOO...

Suzuki Concept X

Dun dun dun dun...as the house lights drop, and the smoke rises around the stage, the audience prepares for what is certainly the single most breathtaking revolution in automotive history - BAM! The same old SUV from last year, except with a weird flat-thingie over the grill! Bravo, Danny Suzuki, bravo. The smoke was TOTALLY necessary.

To further the revolution, they've decided to install seats designed by Fred Flintstone. Looks about as comfortable as waring a speedo full of jagged, rabies-infected glass. I fear the future, if this is it.

Lexus LF-A

Huh...pretty sweet curves there, sexy kinda. Hmm but...

Now this is interesting/stupid. Am I supposed to believe that those are exhaust pipes, because it pretty much resembles an electic socket. And this isn't an electic car, right? So yeah..way to fuck up this design with the trifecta of exhaust.

Volkswagen Ragster

Um, could ya make it smaller? Thanks, I didn't look like enough of a flower-toting pussy. Seriously, I don't think anyone is in the market for a car you can toss around the yard. Unless they're from somewhere goofy, like Europe.

BMW H2R Hydrogen Race Car

Wow. Great idea guys, we've never tapped into the "explosive" potential of hydrogen. Or have we...

Oh, the humanity.

Ford Sport Trac

YO YO YO! Leave it to Ford to take a perfectly benign pickup and lower it to 'Yeeeah boyeee!!" levels. Apparently this will increase one's speed, although I don't think it can compensate for the boxy contours and tiny engine, sorry Vanilla Ice. I can't wait to see this white (trash) ghetto fabulous pickup cruise by the local Wal-Mart, only to scrape it's bottom on a 3-inch speed hump. I will then laugh heartily.

Ford SYN US

Oh dear God. A Brinks armored car for the whole family. Oh wait, it has two doors. And it's made of plastic. That would make it a failure for either function. Who needs windows? Peh! A "syn" indeed - against human decency and my eyes.

Ding! My Hot Pockets are ready...Aw wait, crap. It's just someone opening up the back of this piece of shit.

GM Sequel Hydrogen Fuel Cell SUV’s "skateboard"

Great, another Tony Hawk sequel.

GM Sequel Hydrogen Fuel Cell SUV

Oh wait, maybe this has something to do with that last thing. You know, I really am all about fuel cell cars, when they manage to control the fireball explosions and whatnot. But this trend of making the grills of cars look more and more like mangled faces is grossing me out. This is the "face" of the future, but it looks more like something that was spawned in the lower depths of hell. Check it out:

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Infiniti Kuraza

Daaaaaaaamn! Yet another car with severe "junk in the trunk" issues. Just checkout that bulge! J-lo in car form. Not to use racist stereotypes, but this car will attract more black men than a watermelon, fried chicken, and rap festival. And YES now I've gone too far.

Jeep Gladiator

Boy am I impressed by that extra tire there. And who is this behind the wheel? Let's have a closer look. It can only be...

Jeep Hurricane

Remember Stompers? They were battery operated toy trucks that kinda sorta rolled over gravel. No wait, they always got a speck of dirt in them and stopped working. Unlike the commercials where the kid was driving the damn thing through a foot of mud. Anyway, this reminds me of them, except less practical as a mode of tranportation. I really hope some dude blaring Dave Matthews Band while attempting to "off-road" in the grass next to his cul-de-sac gets fatally thrown from the vehicle due to the lack of doors and roof which got him all "stoked" for his parents to buy him this thing in the first place. Next.

Kia Mesa

This reminds me of the short-lived saturday morning cartoon,"Cow-Boys of Moo Mesa". It doesn't remind me of a car I want to set foot in. Kia? I could match that level of quality by attaching plastic wheels to a soggy french fries box. Plus, it'd be safer on the highway.

Volvo 3CC Alright, another solid-looking design, surely nothing wrong here, let's just look it over...okay, so far so good. Not a thing wrong, now let's just walk around to the back and...



OH MY GOD WHY!?!?! Once again, the rear is the place where things go from decency to what the fuck. Why must they insist on making things look like Star Trek rejects? That doesn't signify the future of cars. Try making the engines more efficient, running solely on water, and have a damn Knight Rider computer talk to me when I drive. In fact, have it drive the car for me, kay? This ugly Captain Kirk stuff is just that - ugly.

Ford Shelby GR-1

This piece of crap is... I mean, just look at the...um... Okay, I got nothin on this car. It freakin rules. It's pretty much the car version of Joe Satrani's chrome guitar, which he uses to wail mean solos standing atop a mighty cliff. Coincidentaly, that is the ONLY music that one is allowed to blast while cruising in this fantastic beast. You win.

Let's bask in some more glory...

And there you have it! Thanks for coming folks, and remember: nothing goes better with a midnight drive around town then a nice, cold birch beer!