Hey! Josh here with our second phone interview with a candidate for BleepSmazz employment. It was tough work thinning down the stacks of resumes that were sent to us, but here I believe we've found the second serious contender for the job. Read on, and let us know in the comments what you think of Gornog the Destroyer.
BleepSmazz Job Interview: Gornog the Destroyer
Call begins.
BleepSmazz: Hi Gornog, this is Josh of BleepSmazz Productions following up on your job application.
Gornog the Destroyer: GORNOG IS PLEASED TO RECEIVE YOUR CALL.
BS: Very good. I'd like to ask a few questions about you and your writing experience.
GtD: PROCEED.
BS: Okay. Glancing over your resume, I see you had a weekly column in "The Final Invasion is Approaching and Soon
the Mortals of Earth Will Tremble Before the Might of the Gromtarian Empire Weekly" entitled "Gornog Prepares to
Feast Upon the Flesh of Mortals" I had some trouble locating a copy of "The Final Invasion is Approaching and Soon
the Mortals of Earth Will Tremble Before the Might of the Gromtarian Empire Weekly", so why don't you tell me a
little about the magazine and your column and how that experience qualifies you were a job here with us.
GtD: YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LOCATE THE MAGAZINE BECAUSE IT WAS PUBLISHED AS WAR-TIME PROPAGANDA PIECE DIRECTLY IN
THE MINDS OF THE GROMTARIAN ARMY. MY COLUMN WAS DESIGNED TO READY THE TROOPS FOR FEEDING UPON THE SOULS OF JUICY
EARTH MORTALS.
BS: Well I really wish we could get a copy, it sounds like a hilarious concept.
GtD: THIS IS NOT A JOKE! EVEN AS WE SPEAK THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCES OF GROMTARIA ARE PREPARING TO DESCEND UPON YOUR
UNSUSPECTING BREATHREN AND GAIN NOURISHMENT FROM THEIR MORTAL SOULS.
BS: I love your dedication to the joke.
GtD: GORNOG DOES NOT JOKE!
BS: Super. Hey, tell me--
GtD: GORNOG IS NOT KIDDING! THE FEEDING SHALL BEGIN SOON!
BS: Yes, well, they don't call you "the Destroyer" for nothing, do they?
GtD: NO THEY DO NOT.
BS: Okay, and after your time on "The Final Invasion is Approaching and Soon the Mortals of Earth Will Tremble
Before the Might of the Gromtarian Empire Weekly", you stopped writing for a while. What happened there?
GtD: GORNOG DECIDED TO TAKE TIME FOR HIMSELF, TO STAND BACK AND REFLECT, AND REALLY JUST, YOU KNOW, FIND HIMSELF.
IT WAS A TOUGH PERIOD FOR GORNOG, HE REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE REALLY WAS. HE BEGAN TO WONDER IF MAYBE THERE WAS
MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST EATING THE SOULS OF LESSER BEINGS.
BS: And what did you find out?
GtD: NO, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SOUL EATING. THERE IS NOTHING MORE.
BS: Okay, so what did you do after you found yourself again?
GtD: GORNOG DEVOURED THE ONE YOU CALL JOEL AND ABSORBED HIS SOUL.
BS: Haha, "Joel" and "soul", that totally rhymed! You're a poet and you didn't even know-it!
GtD: GORNOG IS WELL AWARE OF HIS POETRY SKILLS.
BS: We don't do much poetry here.
GtD: REALLY? THAT'S TOO BAD. GORNOG WROTE THIS ONE PIECE ABOUT A PRETTY FLOWER THAT WOULD-- WAIT, CEASE YOUR ATTEMPTS AT DISTRACTION! DID YOU NOT HEAR GORNOG'S EARLIER STATEMENT? YOUR PUNY FRIEND HAS BEEN DESTROYED AND ASSIMILATED! EVERYTHING THAT WAS HIM HAS BEEN MERGED WITH GORNOG, JUST AS EVERY SOUL GORNOG EATS BECOMES A PART OF ALL THAT IS GORNOG. AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED, GORNOG IS NOW EVERYTHING
THAT THE ONE YOU CALL JOEL ONCE WAS. TREAT ME AS YOU WOULD HIM AND ACCEPT ME INTO YOUR CLIQUE SO THAT WE MIGHT CREATE CRUMMY FLASH CARTOONS ABOUT NINJAS AND SILVERWARE.
BS: Not sure if you really want that...
GtD: GORNOG THE DESTROYER HAS SPOKEN.
BS: Alright man, you got it. You're the new Joel. I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.
GtD: GORNOG KNOWS ALL. NOW INVITE ME TO YOUR LOCATION SO THAT WE CAN "HANG OUT" WHILE I DEVOUR YOUR SOUL.
BS: No, look, you said it yourself: You're Joel now. So you have to move to New York.
GtD: BUT GORNOG DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO NEW YORK--
BS: Fine then, I guess you aren't the new Joel after all.
GtD: WELL, WHAT SHOULD I DO THERE?
BS: I don't give a damn. Just go there. But before you do, let Matt and Dave tackle you for no reason.
GtD: GORNOG THE DESTROYER WOULD MUTILATE THEM IF THEY DARED TO TACKLE HIM!
BS: But Joel wouldn't. So take it like a man, Joel-nog, you're about to get tackled.
GtD: BUT--
The call cuts off abruptly as the song "Big Bang Baby" begins to play on Gornog's end.
